Pissed Off.

Can you please stop telling me I can't do things on my own? Can you please just stop?!

You don't know what I'm keeping inside, you don't know how I feel so please just freaking stop telling me I can't because I know I can. I can if you let me. How will I be able if you won't let me do things on my own? All of my life there has been people doing my job for me, and I'm thankful for that. But I guess it's time for me to stand on my own. To do things my way. I guess by the time I graduate high school, I need to explore the world. I should get out there and try to survive. I need to know what I can and what I can't. I have to be on my own even once. But how will I be able to do that if you keep on telling me I can't?! If you keep on controlling me. Please, for once. Just, just stop telling me what to do and let me figure things on my own.

What Else Is There?

What else is there?
Is there anything better to look forward to?

That moment when you already know what you wanna be. When you finally decided what path you'll take; where you want to take it; what university you'd like to shape you in being the person you're actually supposed to be. Or at least.

Those decisions that would lighten up your burdens about your future, your worries lessened.

And then boom! Another obstacle opposes to your dream.

Another huge, enormous obstacle blocks the way for you to reach for your dream.

The university you plan to attend doesn't have the course you want to take.

What else is there for me?

What other obstacles and problems are there?

Maybe it's time for me to accept the reality I'll never reach my goal.

Disappointed and hurt; like always.

The thing with disappointments is it comes right at you with no warnings at all. Thus, it usually results to a broken heart and crushed dreams.

Hopeless and Giving Up.

Three years have passed since I had this desire. The moment I laid my eyes on the enormous display of the Blue Eagle, I knew right then and there that I want to go here and let this university shape me and form me in being the person I should be. Let this university train me and enhance my knowledge in the career and path I'd like to take.

Three years ago, this dream seemed so close, so achievable. It seemed so bare. It seemed like it was standing in front of me, smiling at me, waiting for me.

But now, this dream I eagerly desire seems so complex and inconceivable. But looking at how things are going right now, this ambition I have seems so far, so difficult to achieve. So impossible. It feels like I'm stuck in the spot where I was standing three years ago, not wanting to move, not even an inch. Not realizing that the dream that was once in front of me, waiting for me to grab it was slowly running away. And I stand in this spot, watching it slowly fade away.

As I come to think of it, it's not yet too late. Maybe I could still run after my dreams, maybe I could still reach them.

But I'm stuck. I can't move. I can't run after it. I can't reach my dreams.

I'm hopeless. I'm giving up.

I fell down. I'm now facing the ground.

And then I smiled because I realized that whenever I'm down, there's no other way but up.

So I'm smiling. I'm getting up. I'm getting ready to chase after my dreams. I still have time; and I won't let that time just pass by without me achieving something.

I'll be proving myself again; not to hear praises from people but to shed a tear or two when I pass the ACET.

Jesus. He's my inspiration. And I believe that when He says YES, nobody can say NO.

I'm dreaming big and I'm achieving it.

Watch me as I reach for my goal.

Watch me as I prove them all wrong.

Watch as my God work on me.

Watch as my God prepare the way for me.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Do you even know how frustrated I am right now? Do you even know how disappointed I am? The hell is all this? Every freaking time I want to buy a particular book, they don't have it? Darn it. It's been happening to me lots of times!

Halt. Pant. Smile.

My Sorrow.

My heart is full, heavy and packed with disappointments. The dark clouds, dense and ready to pour ponderous rain for it can't hold the weight anymore. Just like my heart, dismal and glutted with frustrations. Unable to seize this much oppression. My eyes: ready to emit chief amount of tears but my mind strongly opposes to what my heart covets. All these impediments cause my smile to turn upside down; my laughter into hush. It feels like I'm the biggest disenchantment of myself and of other people as well. I'm trying to shroud the genuine feelings I have so people won't dispute what's going on; what I'm actually going through. Because I don't know how to explain, to express myself; and to make them understand. As I sit here, writing this, I wonder how will I tell the people around me the truth. Will they be able to comprehend? Should I open up to them or should I just keep this to myself? Maybe, just maybe, I can just decode things on my own. Maybe these things in my heart will flow out of my system together with the tears I brace inside me; once I drench them. Perhaps, keeping it inside would help other people to feel better for they wouldn't know what I perceive and hold inside. Things will get better, it may be stormy in my life now but, like what they always say; it can't rain forever. All I have to do is trust Him and do my best to stay smiling. As much as possible, be radiant despite everything.