Heart Out

I just had the best night of my young life last night, 24th of January 2015! Thanks to The 1975 for the wonderful experience! Truly the best concert ever!

I almost had the whole concert on video! I've been into concerts before but this was the best!! I love Matty so much. I'm thankful that they sang Falling For You, it's my favorite song of theirs. And Robbers, too! I can hardly put to words the love and my feels right now!

And I'm even more thankful because I get to see The 1975 with my best friends! Thank you guys! Such an awesome experience. If I could, I would relive that night all over again!

I sang along and definitely had fun and I did put my heart out that night!

Page 365 of 365

Today is the last day of the year 2014. It feels surreal. Everything went by so fast. It still feels like the year has just started when in reality it's about to end. This year is probably the most stressful yet most exciting year I've had in my 18 years of existence.

I've learned a lot this year, thanks to my experiences; good, bad, sweet, painful-- everything. I shut out a lot of people, I ended communications, friendships, relationships with people I don't feel like I'm growing with anymore. I learned to stop going back to that person who does nothing but hurt me and take me for granted. It's not worth my time. A relationship where the other person is not sure is just a waste of time and I have no time to waste. I may have lost a lot of friends and may have experienced a lot of bad things, I'm still grateful because I know my experiences just made me a better person.
I may have experienced a lot of misunderstandings with some people, I may have pissed them off (but I'm pretty sure not as much as they have pissed the hell off out of me) but I'm still thankful because it just made me stronger and helped me not to give fucks when people from hell most expect it to be given to them.

I met a lot of people this year who made my life even better. These people made me realize a lot about life, "Do what you want, fuck everything else. They don't really matter."  These people made me realize that life is a series of mistakes but the worst mistake you'll ever commit is to make a mistake and not learn from it and be changed by it.

I'd like to thank those people who stood by me when I was at the verge of giving the hell up, the people who continued to love me when I was nothing but an unlovable mess, the people who thought I was beautiful even at my worst. Thank you for being my strength, for making me stronger, for making me believe in myself and in what I can do. Thank you for never leaving me even when I pushed all of you away. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for being right there waiting for me when I shut you all out. It means a lot to me and I am forever thankful for all of you and I hope you all live a prosperous 2015 and the years to come.

And this year, I lost some people I truly care about. It still breaks my heart whenever I imagine 2015 and the years to come without all of you. I'd like to thank you for all the good and bad memories we've shared. The small talks, the jokes, the laughter, everything. You will always be in my heart, never will I forget you. I'm thankful that for once in my life, our paths have crossed. How I wish to spend more years with you, but I realized life isn't always easy and life doesn't always go the way you want it to.

Until now I am still in the state of shock, especially whenever I think of you, Ate Beng. You've always been a good Ate to me. I am thankful that through Ate Apol and Kuya Geo, I have met you and we've become parts of each other's families. You will never be forgotten, Ate Beng. Thank you for everything and I hope you're happy up there with your parents. Heaven has gained another angel this year. You were gone too soon, too young, but you can be rest assured that you will always be loved and missed. I jut feel really bad that you didn't even finish 2014 and how we all wish to welcome 2015 with you. Rest in peace, Ate Beng. You are forever in our hearts and minds. We love you. I love you.

This year has taught me (pushed me, tbh) to be more independent, wiser, kinder, stronger but most of all this year has taught me to live, and I guess it's the most important lesson in life. Don't just exist, live. Explore, go on adventures, be amazed with the wonders of this world. Live! You'll never know how long you'll have the chance to.

Thank you for being a part of a great year and I can't wait to spend more years with all of you!
Cheers to another year!

Figure My Heart Out

Hello! It's good to finally be back at blogging. It's been months. I've been busy with life, with the responsibilities that come with being an adult (yes, I am an adult now since I just turned 18 last July 14th.)

So anyway, my college life has been stressful but surprisingly, it has become fun. I don't know, maybe because I'm able to go out more often this sem than last sem. A lot of surprises are in store for me, for sure!

Life has become more stressful because more responsibilities are on my shoulders but I get to meet more people and I get to have more fun! My favorite new friend, I guess is my classmate and seatmate during Fil3 class, Laurence. This guy's a simple guy but he's extraordinary. He's fun to be with, he likes to party, and he likes The 1975 as much as I do. He's also the reason why I completely shut off romantic relationships for now. He jokingly wrote me a letter and at the end of the letter, he wrote "#StudiesMunaBagoFeelings." His stories, his jokes, his principles made me realize how fun life could be and I must enjoy it. Being in a relationship at this time and age may restrict me from the fun and the adventures life has to offer.

So anyway, I got tickets for the Ed Sheeran concert on March 12!! I'm so excited. Ed Sheeran is so lovely. Ooooohhh. And I'm hoping for a VIP ticket for The 1975's concert, too. I wanna see Matty up close. Pleaaaasse!

I thank God for the blessings and for the fun opportunities God has given me now that I'm 18!

How Do You Escape?

It's been a long summer vacation. And as much as I'd love to lie and say that everything's great, I can never lie to myself. It's been a good summer so far, I get to hang out with my friends more often, go to some places, spend the whole day watching TV or browsing the Net or just sleep all day. But I know full well that I. AM. NOT. OKAY.

I started this year with the positivity and the vow to not give a fuck to save myself from pain. But just when the FIRST FREAKING MONTH of the year was about to end, I fell in love. GDI. And so I broke my vow and let myself go have some love. Things were going great until he just woke up one day and decided to break up. It's been really hard for me, you know.

Yes it's painful but, come on, I've been on that road before. I know how to handle a broken heart this time (well not really but yeah).

Having my heart broken was kinda expected. What I didn't expect was to lose friends. Friends I thought I'm gonna have forever, friends I could trust and lean on especially on the darkest days.

I've been hated on and misjudged quite a lot lately. I'm being cyberbullied. It's not fun, it doesn't feel good either and to be very honest, I'm hurt. Words have a different way of hurting us. Words can either break us or make us. And that's why we should be careful when we say something to someone. Everyone has a battle that we do not know of so let's at least do our best to be kind even if others are not.

I' ve been receiving a lot of hate messages in ask.fm lately and it's getting out of control. As much as I'd like to ignore them, they get into my nerves and sometimes I just burst out. This one time I was able to read something really offensive about me and the worse part is it was sent to my ex. Wtf right? So I broke down. I was mad, I was hurt, I was crying.

In times like this, you expect your friends to be there, comfort you or defend you and all but you realize you're slowly losing all of them. Not really all of them but the ones you always share your thoughts and secrets with. The only thing worse than going through all these break-ups and cyberbullying is going through them alone.

Sometimes I just wish to disappear so I don't have to face these problems anymore. Sometimes I just wanna runaway to a very far place and start anew. I just wanna get out now and stop this madness. I just want to clear this all up. I want to put a stop on the pain, on the tears. I'm not doing so well right now and I'm afraid. I'm terrified. It's the last month I have before I turn 18 and I feel like giving up already. Is there a way out from all this?

How do we escape the labyrinth of sufferings? Of pain? Can we ever get out? Or are we stuck here until we die? Or are we stuck here even after we die? What do we do to get out of this mess? What do we say to make things okay? Who do we go to and talk to to ease the pain? How do we stop the pain? How do we stop the tears? It seems like we're trapped. How do we escape? And most importantly, how do you make yourself okay again?

Debut

So may napagtanto ako, hindi na ako mag paparty ng bonggang bongga sa birthday ko. Tama na siguro yung kada group of friends may pakain. Sabi din ni Daddy, bibigyan na lang niya ako ng sasakyan kung hindi ako magpaparty.

Hindi naman sa ayaw kong mag party, sa totoo lang may listahan na din ako ng 18 shits na kailangan sa debut eh, kumpleto na. Kaso narealize ko ayokong maging plastik. Plastik kasi sigurado may mga iimbitahin akong hindi naman masyadong close o kaya naman mga dating kaibigan na mapipilitan lang akong imbitahin kasi baka mag tampo. Sa isang grupo kasi ng magkakaibigan, pag inimbita mo yung isa kailangan pati yung iba kasi kung hindi, magtatampo.

Isang gabi ng kasiyahan, magagarbong kasuotan at mabubulaklak na mga salita. Sasabihin nila kung gano ka kabait, kabuti at kaganda. Sasabihin nilang wag kang magbabago. Sasabihin nilang mahal ka nila. Pfft, bullshit. Naniniwala akong mas kilala ko ang sarili ko at hindi ako kasing bait, kasing buti at kasing ganda gaya ng mga paglalarawan ng iba. Madami akong masasamang gawain pero hindi nila sasabihin yun kasi debut ko eh.

Decision is made. Walang magarbong party, kainan at bonding lang with group of friends. Tapos rak!

Tunay na Tropa

Madami akong kaibigan. Pero hindi ko pa nararanasan yung magkaron ng isang tunay na barkada, hanggang sa nakilala ko ang mga taong to.

Hindi sila perpekto, umiinom sila, may mga nag yoyosi, nagmumura din sila, pero hindi sila masasamang tao. Yung mga lalaki sa tropa, sila yung tipo ng lalaking kahit mga gago e may respeto sa iba lalo na sa babae. Dun ako namamangha sa kanila. Malalakas ang trip ng mga to, pero marunong din namang mag seryoso. Sobrang saya nilang kasama. Yung tipong kahit may problema ka e gagaan parin loob mo pag kasama mo na sila kahit di ka pa nag oopen up sa kanila.

April 5, 2014, "Best night of my young life."
Nag-inom sila pero iced tea at candy crush lang ginawa ko. Sobrang nakakatawa kasi dumating sa point na nalasing na sila. Yung dalawa, babe na ang tawagan, yung isa nakikipag chat na lang kasi masakit na ulo, yung isa, kanta ng kanta kahit wala na sa tono, yung isa mahal na mahal na yung boyfriend, kwento ng kwento na iba talaga boyfriend niya ngayon, yung isa naman andami ng napapansin sa paligid niya. Sobrang laughtrip talaga yung gabing yun. Wala pa nga kaming balak umuwi kaso kailangan na 11 na din ng gabi (kahit 8:30 pa lang pinapauwi na kami).

Hindi na ako makapag hintay sa susunod na tambay kasama sila. Sana this time, kumpleto na tayo!

Sa kanila ko natutunan na hindi mo kailangan ng sobrang daming kaibigan, kahit konti basta totoo at maaasahan, rak na!

Never Grow Up

So it's 2:25 AM on my clock. Good morning, I guess? I was browsing through my Tumblr and decided I needed to see Peter Pan. To cut the long story short, I had a realization.

If my debut this July (or December) will push through, I would want the theme to be Peter Pan. Maybe because I want to remind myself to never grow up. It's ironic since I will be turning 18 and I. AM. GROWING. UP. Maybe I don't wanna forget how it feels like being a child. Too many people grow up. Too many people forget. And that's why too many people are sad. Growing up is a trap. And I don't want that. But I am forced to. Maybe a Peter-Pan-themed debut would be fun.

When I was younger, I hated the fact that Peter Pan didn't wanna grow up. I thought it was silly. I thought his idea of not growing up was plain stupid. But life gave me the answer to the question "Why didn't Peter Pan want to grow up?" Now I understand why. I wish I could go back. But there is no turning back. Like what Peter said, "Once you're grown up, you can never come back." I wish I knew back then what he meant by that. This is it now, I guess. There's no turning back.

The thought of growing up scares me. The thought that only a few months from now I will be turning 18 scares me. And that's when I started to realize that I am slowly growing up. When you start having sad thoughts more than happy thoughts, that's when you know you've grown up.

I've spent my entire life dreaming of Neverland.